Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I Can't Believe It's Not aFull Moon

Because I'm usually only this annoyed when the moon is full.

So in the spirit of community and sharing, let me tell you some of the things that pissed me off today:

1.  The Tree that Dripped Sap on My Windshield.  Okay tree, let's talk.  You dripped sap on my windshield.  You bitch!  You knew what you were doing.  You knew it wouldn't come off.  You knew that as soon as it started to rain on the FDR Drive at 5 am it would turn into superglue and I wouldn't be able to see a damn thing.  You better be on the lookout for me tree because I'm really seriously thinking about chopping you down.  Watch your back tree because, yeah, I'm looking at you.

2.  Pretending that it's only the Republicans who treat women like shit and act like we're stupid.  Umm, okay Bic, did you really think that marketing a ball point pen for women was a good idea.  Unless it doubles as a tampon or comes with three speeds, it's just a pen.   A pen.  Really?  For women?  Good God, I don't even know where to go with this.  And can someone explain to me why the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial starts with the phrase "okay ladies".  It's cartoon cinnamon squares eating each other in a bowl of milk.  What the fuck does that have to with women.  And these aren't even the overt sexist things that happen every day.  Women--can we please stand up and say enough!!!!! Don't act surprised when your rights are taken away when you give them up in a thousand tiny ways every day.  (You can thank me later for stopping now and keeping this relatively clean because I can go off on this shit for days.)

3.   Note to everyone in the world--I couldn't find my shoes is not an excuse for being 2 1/2 hours late for work.  Ever.  And if you really really can't find your shoes, you might want to think about calling.  Just sayin'. 

4.  Rick Santorum.  Dude just irks the living shit out of me.  The tree from number 1 has a Rick Santorum face on it.  And a sweater vest.

5.  Don't touch my knitting with chocolate on your fingers.  EVER!!!!!!

6.  Having to put ice in my wine because SOMEONE (okay me) forgot to put it in the fridge.  If I wanted water in my wine I would just go to church.

7.  If you can't loosen up enough to accept the fact that the movie Ted is really funny, you should probably go find a retreat house somewhere and spend some time meditating on the fact that you really need to lighten up.  I've done it and it's the only thing that stopped me from saying "lighten the fuck up" instead of just "lighten up".  Ohm.

8.  I'm am absolutely rip shit pissed at the barometic pressure and the goddamned butterfly that flapped its wings in China and is now causing another hurricane to slam head on into New Orleans.  These poor people have really had enough and, honestly, I really should have started this post out with number 8 because, when you think about it, I really have nothing to complain about.

9.  Rick Santorum again.  I know, I know, I shouldn't complain but man, he irks me.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Are You There Todd Akin, It's Me Margaret

Dear Todd Akin,

I am so happy that someone finally acknowledged that we girls have magical powers.  Honestly, we've been trying to convince you fellas of this for generations!!!  Since you're on that science committee and all, now we  know it's true.  Girls are magic and boys are not.  Ha!

About that science thing.  I'm trying to figure out a really good 2013 Spring Science Fair project based on your amazing abilities.  I think I can win it if I can only figure out all the logistics.  The only problem is that my Mom says our health insurance won't cover it so she won't sign the permission slip.  She said that I should figure out a project that involved baking soda, white vinegar and abstinence but none of those things sounded like much fun.

Since we're talking about this (okay, Todd Akin, I know we're not really talking but I do believe that you read all my letters) there are a few things that I have questions about.

What's with the whole it's okay for victims of rape or incest thing?  Now I know that you said that if it was really rape, a girl wouldn't get pregnant but I'm still confused.  Doesn't being pro-choice actually already cover the women who are raped either by a stranger or a family member?  And now that I think about it, isn't a woman who chooses not to have an abortion also covered by being pro-choice.  Now that I think about it even more, doesn't being pro-choice protect everyone's personal decisions.  Remember that girl that I told you about in my last letter?  The one with the big boobs who went behind the A&P and made out with my friend's brother and his friend Moose?  Isn't she also covered by being pro-choice.  I'm starting to think that what the people who want to say that certain pregnancies are okay and others are not are really saying that women who have healthy sex lives are really just sluts.  My aunt told me sex is a really nice thing but my Mom told me not to listen to her because it's not covered on our health insurance.

I'm also confused by the whole "legitimate" thing.  I read in the paper that you said that you didn't mean to say "legitimate rape" you meant to say "forcible rape".  Last year my English teacher spent a whole semester (snore) on good grammar so I know what the word redundant means.  She tried tripping us all up with a pop quiz but I got all of the redundancy questions right.    I also got all the oxymorons right (jumbo shrimp--hahaha). 

I have one last question and it's kind of a different topic.  I heard on the news that everyone's really worried that a hurricane is going to hit the Republican Convention.  And all the newscasters said that this would be really really terrible.  One guy even said that it was the worst thing that could happen.  Now we learned about primaries and all those political things in Social Studies class (my Mom says that polite people don't talk about politics) but since the only real candidate that you've put forward is Mitt Romney why are you all even bothering to have a convention.  It sounds like a really expensive really big party to me.  Don't get me wrong, I really like a big party.  My Mom has promised that she'll get a six foot wedge for my Sweet Sixteen and we can make onion dip from scratch (I never even knew you could do that :)

If a hurricane is coming, can't you all just stay home.  I heard that Chris Christie is going to speak but he's from New Jersey so he can just stay home and go out for coffee with Theresa from the Real Housewives (my Mom doesn't know I watch it so let's keep that between you and me).   Or maybe you could all go to Florida and help all the people who live there put masking tape on their windows so they don't get cut if their windows blow out.

Thanks for reading my letter, Todd Akin.  And please let me get my period really really soon.  I don't want to be the last girl in my class who has a bunch of stupid white men trying to stuff their boots up my snatch.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Really? A month?

I can't believe that it has been over a month since I last posted.  It's surprising--if I'm talking, you can barely get me to shut up.  And here, in blogville, you would think I would ramble on and on with glee.  Not sure what my problem is because I certainly have plenty to ramble about.

I'm at work right now trying to avoid obsessive compulsively hitting refresh while I wait for a file to finish processing so I can't write a whole post now but I will leave you with the two questions that have been really bothering me:

1.   What kind of good excuse can I come up with for not blogging?
2.   Where the hell was Elton John at the Olympics?