Dear Todd Akin,
I am so happy that someone finally acknowledged that we girls have magical powers. Honestly, we've been trying to convince you fellas of this for generations!!! Since you're on that science committee and all, now we know it's true. Girls are magic and boys are not. Ha!
About that science thing. I'm trying to figure out a really good 2013 Spring Science Fair project based on your amazing abilities. I think I can win it if I can only figure out all the logistics. The only problem is that my Mom says our health insurance won't cover it so she won't sign the permission slip. She said that I should figure out a project that involved baking soda, white vinegar and abstinence but none of those things sounded like much fun.
Since we're talking about this (okay, Todd Akin, I know we're not really talking but I do believe that you read all my letters) there are a few things that I have questions about.
What's with the whole it's okay for victims of rape or incest thing? Now I know that you said that if it was really rape, a girl wouldn't get pregnant but I'm still confused. Doesn't being pro-choice actually already cover the women who are raped either by a stranger or a family member? And now that I think about it, isn't a woman who chooses not to have an abortion also covered by being pro-choice. Now that I think about it even more, doesn't being pro-choice protect everyone's personal decisions. Remember that girl that I told you about in my last letter? The one with the big boobs who went behind the A&P and made out with my friend's brother and his friend Moose? Isn't she also covered by being pro-choice. I'm starting to think that what the people who want to say that certain pregnancies are okay and others are not are really saying that women who have healthy sex lives are really just sluts. My aunt told me sex is a really nice thing but my Mom told me not to listen to her because it's not covered on our health insurance.
I'm also confused by the whole "legitimate" thing. I read in the paper that you said that you didn't mean to say "legitimate rape" you meant to say "forcible rape". Last year my English teacher spent a whole semester (snore) on good grammar so I know what the word redundant means. She tried tripping us all up with a pop quiz but I got all of the redundancy questions right. I also got all the oxymorons right (jumbo shrimp--hahaha).
I have one last question and it's kind of a different topic. I heard on the news that everyone's really worried that a hurricane is going to hit the Republican Convention. And all the newscasters said that this would be really really terrible. One guy even said that it was the worst thing that could happen. Now we learned about primaries and all those political things in Social Studies class (my Mom says that polite people don't talk about politics) but since the only real candidate that you've put forward is Mitt Romney why are you all even bothering to have a convention. It sounds like a really expensive really big party to me. Don't get me wrong, I really like a big party. My Mom has promised that she'll get a six foot wedge for my Sweet Sixteen and we can make onion dip from scratch (I never even knew you could do that :)
If a hurricane is coming, can't you all just stay home. I heard that Chris Christie is going to speak but he's from New Jersey so he can just stay home and go out for coffee with Theresa from the Real Housewives (my Mom doesn't know I watch it so let's keep that between you and me). Or maybe you could all go to Florida and help all the people who live there put masking tape on their windows so they don't get cut if their windows blow out.
Thanks for reading my letter, Todd Akin. And please let me get my period really really soon. I don't want to be the last girl in my class who has a bunch of stupid white men trying to stuff their boots up my snatch.