Because I'm usually only this annoyed when the moon is full.
So in the spirit of community and sharing, let me tell you some of the things that pissed me off today:
1. The Tree that Dripped Sap on My Windshield. Okay tree, let's talk. You dripped sap on my windshield. You bitch! You knew what you were doing. You knew it wouldn't come off. You knew that as soon as it started to rain on the FDR Drive at 5 am it would turn into superglue and I wouldn't be able to see a damn thing. You better be on the lookout for me tree because I'm really seriously thinking about chopping you down. Watch your back tree because, yeah, I'm looking at you.
2. Pretending that it's only the Republicans who treat women like shit and act like we're stupid. Umm, okay Bic, did you really think that marketing a ball point pen for women was a good idea. Unless it doubles as a tampon or comes with three speeds, it's just a pen. A pen. Really? For women? Good God, I don't even know where to go with this. And can someone explain to me why the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial starts with the phrase "okay ladies". It's cartoon cinnamon squares eating each other in a bowl of milk. What the fuck does that have to with women. And these aren't even the overt sexist things that happen every day. Women--can we please stand up and say enough!!!!! Don't act surprised when your rights are taken away when you give them up in a thousand tiny ways every day. (You can thank me later for stopping now and keeping this relatively clean because I can go off on this shit for days.)
3. Note to everyone in the world--I couldn't find my shoes is not an excuse for being 2 1/2 hours late for work. Ever. And if you really really can't find your shoes, you might want to think about calling. Just sayin'.
4. Rick Santorum. Dude just irks the living shit out of me. The tree from number 1 has a Rick Santorum face on it. And a sweater vest.
5. Don't touch my knitting with chocolate on your fingers. EVER!!!!!!
6. Having to put ice in my wine because SOMEONE (okay me) forgot to put it in the fridge. If I wanted water in my wine I would just go to church.
7. If you can't loosen up enough to accept the fact that the movie Ted is really funny, you should probably go find a retreat house somewhere and spend some time meditating on the fact that you really need to lighten up. I've done it and it's the only thing that stopped me from saying "lighten the fuck up" instead of just "lighten up". Ohm.
8. I'm am absolutely rip shit pissed at the barometic pressure and the goddamned butterfly that flapped its wings in China and is now causing another hurricane to slam head on into New Orleans. These poor people have really had enough and, honestly, I really should have started this post out with number 8 because, when you think about it, I really have nothing to complain about.
9. Rick Santorum again. I know, I know, I shouldn't complain but man, he irks me.