I'm Going To Do My Best To Be Ladylike Here

First of all, for those of you who were worried about last night, it was wonderful.  I was planning to tell you all about it but then chaos ensued and I can't get my brain around anything else right now.

In the spirit of "too much information", I had a "lady's" special need to drop by my local Walgreens tonight.  I got my "lady stuff", got on line, waited my turn and then swiped my card.

And it didn't work.

So the guy (of course it's always some poor teenaged boy holding the big pack of maxi pads (with wings!)  in these situations) swiped it again. 

And it still didn't work.

Again and again and again and again and again.

So now I have to leave said Walgreens and run to my bank to take out cash only to get a big flashing "INSUFFICIENT FUNDS" on the screen.

What the fuck!?  I have plenty of money (ahem, today). 

So I run home, log on and find my bank account woefully overdrawn.  And there are all these random HUGE checks that have been cashed yesterday.  (By the way, the first one overdrew my account.  I don't know why the hell they cashed the rest of them.)

So I call.  And I get some nice person in India who looks at my account and says "Why yes--these checks have been noted as potential fraud."  Really--then why the hell hasn't anyone called me.  Remember, these hit yesterday.  They've had plenty of time to find me. 

And then he says, and this is the part that killed me, "Let me check with our fraud department, sir."  SIR?  Are you fucking kidding me. 

So he puts me on hold with some horrible music and I wait.  And then he comes back and says, "I'm very sorry, sir, our fraud department is closed."

And that's when I lost it. 

Big time.

Really big time.

Does fraud only happen between 9 and 5?  And you already "noted that these were fraudulent" and yet you all went home for the weekend and left me with no cash.  

And he said, "I'm sorry sir.  You can call back tomorrow after 8 am."

And that's when I lost it even worse. 

I believe that I may have used the phrase "Projectile Menstruating" and I am certain that I suggested that his goddamed fraud department might want to show up at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning at my house with a bucket and a mop because that was going to be a bigger problem than my checking account.  And then I said (pretty much at the top of my lungs) "Do I really have to give you all the goddamed details of my motherless whore of a menstrual cycle to get you to stop calling me sir!?"

And there was silence.

Ladylike?  Hmm, not so much.  Satisfying?  You bet your sweet ass it was satisfying.

In the end, my mother was home.  She had some cash and I am in a much better place right now. 

I'll tell you about last night (and about my new blog) tomorrow.