I Suppose An Explanation Is In Order

First things first.  About the Kenny Rogers video.  You see, we were at Maud's a few weeks ago and someone said something that triggered something in my brain but it totally misfired and I ended up having one of these conversations.

Me  "There's a song about a field."
Brian  "What are you talking about?"
Me  "A song--I know you know it--about a field.  With plants in it.  Come on help me out here."
Brian  "Okay sure.  A song."
Me  "It's a country song.  I think it's Kenny Rogers.  Yeah it's definitely Kenny Rogers.  Something about not be able to pick the crops.  Yeah yeah yeah."
Brian  "Oh yeah--I know that song.  What the hell is the name of it."
Our neighbor at the bar "It's a woman's name isn't it?"
Me and Brian "Yeah yeah yeah--a woman's name!!"
Our neighbor  "Ruby!!  It's Ruby!"
Me and Brian  "No, no, no!!  That's not it."
Me  "Ruby was the one that he didn't want to take her love to town."

And on and on until we finally sort of forgot about it until I shouted out "YOU PICKED A FINE TIME TO LEAVE ME LUCILLE" at the top of my lungs about an hour later. 

Of course now I had it stuck in my head for a few days so I decided that I needed to share the shame of it on my blog.  Or, I should correctly say, my other blog.  Feel free to visit but don't blame me when you get caught singing Sylvia's Mother on the 1 train. 

Somehow, I managed to post it to both blogs and you guys ended up with it.  Mea culpa.

Moving on.  

The blog has been dark and I am sorry for it.  It's not that I haven't wanted to write.  It's just that I couldn't.  The ex-boyfriend was my most loyal reader and his death is still oh so very surreal to me.  He visited the blog every day and I believe that it was his way of somehow keeping a connection with me.  I've been on an emotional roller coaster since January over this whole mess and, although my brain is very rational, my heart and my spirit have had a few bad instances of the "what-if"s.  Now I know that his problems were his own, etc. etc. but every so often my psyche takes off into some other place that is neither rational nor linear and I get stuck there for a bit. 

I've been reading Ann Leary a lot lately and last week she had a post asking her readers what was going on in their lives.  So I decided that it was going to be a really good idea to just dump all my issues in some strangers lap and hope that it would break things open and I would be back in the saddle again.  I wrote a response on her blog very carefully.  I chose my words well.  I really thought it through and, I think, said everything I needed to say to get my groove back on.  And I hit post.  And it got lost.  Gone. 

And in my head, I heard Denis Leary laughing at me, calling me a pussy and telling me to shut the fuck up with my whining and write about shit on my own damn blog (his words--not mine).

So I'm back.  There may be some whining and some wild irrationality but there's also been lots of good stuff to share.