Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Dear Blog Readers:

Five years ago tonight, I met a man who I fell in love with.  If you are a reader you know that he died.  I guess, if you are not a reader and just landed here tonight, now you know too.

When he died, there was no obituary.  There was no eulogy at his funeral.  Our relationship was tumultuous.  There was plenty of pain and drama but I stayed for a long time becuase I was in love. 

So tonight, I don't need to think about the shitty times.  I just want to cherish the good times.

And I think he deserves a eulogy.  It may or may not be a good one but it's the best I can do right now.

He was an animal whisperer.  He could soothe an animal just by talking to it.  I had a cat who went deaf and she was so scared by it that she hid in the linen closet for years.  He got her to come out and rejoin our household because he was kind to animals.

The man loved sports and he never ever made me feel stupid about it.   I think I've made it perfectly clear that I don't really understand sports and, frankly, I don't need to.  But he always welcomed me to watching games and he explained them to me in a way that made me feel included and, most importantly, not stupid.

He loved his family but just could never figure out how to show it.  He could talk about them for hours and hours and he was so delighted by them but he could never quite figure out how to tell them how much he cared.  And that broke;postID=890358876304572700his heart.

He loved to sing.

He loved to dance.

His favorite trip in his life was going to Ireland.

He really, really wanted to be happy but he could never figure out how.

He had his demons and they got the best of him. 

He broke my heart more times than I care to think about.

It was five years ago tonight that I met him and I just can't believe that he is gone.

Godspeed John.  I hope you're finally happy.

I've thought about this eulogy for a long time and I know that it is inadequate. 
There is so much that I can't articulate but I can say that I really, really hate the fact that there is one less person in the world who loves me. 


pinkundine said...

I don't have much to say, because it is hard to comment on such a deeply personal post, but I didn't want to read and run.

I don't think any eulogy ever has been enough to say what needs to be said. We had 3 eulogies at my dad's funeral, and between them they still weren't enough. But writing/saying it counts for more than the words themselves.


Diane said...

As always, your words touch me in a way that I cannot fully explain, but definitely so much in their truth.