I Can't Believe It's Not aFull Moon

Because I'm usually only this annoyed when the moon is full.

So in the spirit of community and sharing, let me tell you some of the things that pissed me off today:

1.  The Tree that Dripped Sap on My Windshield.  Okay tree, let's talk.  You dripped sap on my windshield.  You bitch!  You knew what you were doing.  You knew it wouldn't come off.  You knew that as soon as it started to rain on the FDR Drive at 5 am it would turn into superglue and I wouldn't be able to see a damn thing.  You better be on the lookout for me tree because I'm really seriously thinking about chopping you down.  Watch your back tree because, yeah, I'm looking at you.

2.  Pretending that it's only the Republicans who treat women like shit and act like we're stupid.  Umm, okay Bic, did you really think that marketing a ball point pen for women was a good idea.  Unless it doubles as a tampon or comes with three speeds, it's just a pen.   A pen.  Really?  For women?  Good God, I don't even know where to go with this.  And can someone explain to me why the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial starts with the phrase "okay ladies".  It's cartoon cinnamon squares eating each other in a bowl of milk.  What the fuck does that have to with women.  And these aren't even the overt sexist things that happen every day.  Women--can we please stand up and say enough!!!!! Don't act surprised when your rights are taken away when you give them up in a thousand tiny ways every day.  (You can thank me later for stopping now and keeping this relatively clean because I can go off on this shit for days.)


3.   Note to everyone in the world--I couldn't find my shoes is not an excuse for being 2 1/2 hours late for work.  Ever.  And if you really really can't find your shoes, you might want to think about calling.  Just sayin'. 

4.  Rick Santorum.  Dude just irks the living shit out of me.  The tree from number 1 has a Rick Santorum face on it.  And a sweater vest.

5.  Don't touch my knitting with chocolate on your fingers.  EVER!!!!!!

6.  Having to put ice in my wine because SOMEONE (okay me) forgot to put it in the fridge.  If I wanted water in my wine I would just go to church.

7.  If you can't loosen up enough to accept the fact that the movie Ted is really funny, you should probably go find a retreat house somewhere and spend some time meditating on the fact that you really need to lighten up.  I've done it and it's the only thing that stopped me from saying "lighten the fuck up" instead of just "lighten up".  Ohm.

8.  I'm am absolutely rip shit pissed at the barometic pressure and the goddamned butterfly that flapped its wings in China and is now causing another hurricane to slam head on into New Orleans.  These poor people have really had enough and, honestly, I really should have started this post out with number 8 because, when you think about it, I really have nothing to complain about.

9.  Rick Santorum again.  I know, I know, I shouldn't complain but man, he irks me.

Are You There Todd Akin, It's Me Margaret

Dear Todd Akin,

I am so happy that someone finally acknowledged that we girls have magical powers.  Honestly, we've been trying to convince you fellas of this for generations!!!  Since you're on that science committee and all, now we  know it's true.  Girls are magic and boys are not.  Ha!

About that science thing.  I'm trying to figure out a really good 2013 Spring Science Fair project based on your amazing abilities.  I think I can win it if I can only figure out all the logistics.  The only problem is that my Mom says our health insurance won't cover it so she won't sign the permission slip.  She said that I should figure out a project that involved baking soda, white vinegar and abstinence but none of those things sounded like much fun.

Since we're talking about this (okay, Todd Akin, I know we're not really talking but I do believe that you read all my letters) there are a few things that I have questions about.

What's with the whole it's okay for victims of rape or incest thing?  Now I know that you said that if it was really rape, a girl wouldn't get pregnant but I'm still confused.  Doesn't being pro-choice actually already cover the women who are raped either by a stranger or a family member?  And now that I think about it, isn't a woman who chooses not to have an abortion also covered by being pro-choice.  Now that I think about it even more, doesn't being pro-choice protect everyone's personal decisions.  Remember that girl that I told you about in my last letter?  The one with the big boobs who went behind the A&P and made out with my friend's brother and his friend Moose?  Isn't she also covered by being pro-choice.  I'm starting to think that what the people who want to say that certain pregnancies are okay and others are not are really saying that women who have healthy sex lives are really just sluts.  My aunt told me sex is a really nice thing but my Mom told me not to listen to her because it's not covered on our health insurance.

I'm also confused by the whole "legitimate" thing.  I read in the paper that you said that you didn't mean to say "legitimate rape" you meant to say "forcible rape".  Last year my English teacher spent a whole semester (snore) on good grammar so I know what the word redundant means.  She tried tripping us all up with a pop quiz but I got all of the redundancy questions right.    I also got all the oxymorons right (jumbo shrimp--hahaha). 

I have one last question and it's kind of a different topic.  I heard on the news that everyone's really worried that a hurricane is going to hit the Republican Convention.  And all the newscasters said that this would be really really terrible.  One guy even said that it was the worst thing that could happen.  Now we learned about primaries and all those political things in Social Studies class (my Mom says that polite people don't talk about politics) but since the only real candidate that you've put forward is Mitt Romney why are you all even bothering to have a convention.  It sounds like a really expensive really big party to me.  Don't get me wrong, I really like a big party.  My Mom has promised that she'll get a six foot wedge for my Sweet Sixteen and we can make onion dip from scratch (I never even knew you could do that :)

If a hurricane is coming, can't you all just stay home.  I heard that Chris Christie is going to speak but he's from New Jersey so he can just stay home and go out for coffee with Theresa from the Real Housewives (my Mom doesn't know I watch it so let's keep that between you and me).   Or maybe you could all go to Florida and help all the people who live there put masking tape on their windows so they don't get cut if their windows blow out.

Thanks for reading my letter, Todd Akin.  And please let me get my period really really soon.  I don't want to be the last girl in my class who has a bunch of stupid white men trying to stuff their boots up my snatch.

Love,
Margaret

Really? A month?

I can't believe that it has been over a month since I last posted.  It's surprising--if I'm talking, you can barely get me to shut up.  And here, in blogville, you would think I would ramble on and on with glee.  Not sure what my problem is because I certainly have plenty to ramble about.

I'm at work right now trying to avoid obsessive compulsively hitting refresh while I wait for a file to finish processing so I can't write a whole post now but I will leave you with the two questions that have been really bothering me:

1.   What kind of good excuse can I come up with for not blogging?
2.   Where the hell was Elton John at the Olympics?

Happy Inter-dependence Day

Last year I declared July 5th Inter-Dependence Day and I am plan to celebrate like crazy today.  Because inter-dependence has been very good to me this year.  Just the other day, I was in the A&P and the woman on line in front of me didn't have her bonus card with her.  I offered her mine and she was very grateful because she saved a bunch of dough.  I told her not to worry about it because Inter-Dependence Day was coming up and that she should celebrate it too.

Then it was my turn and, naturally, I used my card.  When my receipt came up, lo and behold, I had enough points to earn a 5% discount.  The woman working the check out stopped for a minute and really looked at my receipt.  Then she said, "That's pretty cool.  If you hadn't given that woman your card, you wouldn't have earned enough points and today's the last day for it." Then she told me to have a Happy Inter-Dependence Day. 

Ta Da!!!  The beautiful balance of inter-dependence.

So, what are you going to do to celebrate today.  I have a list of a few ideas for you but I'm sure you will all run with it!  Check in on the comments if you want to share how it worked out for you.

1.  Wave to that mentally disabled man who always stands on the corner.  I bet you he'll wave back and you'll both feel really good.
2.  Pick up some litter.  We are inter-dependent with nature too.
3.  Go to the dollar store and buy some cheapo umbrellas.  Leave them in the car and the next time you see someone stuck at the bus stop in the rain without one, pull over and give them one.
4.  Say hello to a stranger in the grocery store.
5.  Bake some cookies for the guys who make your coffee every morning.
6.  Make love to your partner.
7.  Give your dog a bone or your cat some tuna.
8.  Ask a little kid if they know any knock knock jokes.
9.  Learn how to say "how are you" in another language.

You get the drift.

Is it risky?  Sure it is.  People might look at you like you're a wack job.  But so what? There are a lot of wack jobs out there doing a really effective job at making our world a worse place.  Maybe it will take a few wack jobs to make it a better place.

My Old Man

My old man is funny.  He's been telling the same jokes for years and they still make me laugh.  One of his favorite things in the world is those special Daddy/Daughter moments when he sets up a joke and I drive it home.  Especially if it's a dirty joke.

My old man loves Mel Brooks and Monty Python.  I was raised on Young Frankenstein and still remember the very first time I watched "The Holy Grail."  We were sitting in our den so I must have been less than nine years old because when I turned nine, my parents turned the den into my bedroom.  It was a Sunday afternoon and Channel 13 was showing it.  My mother came in and said "John, do you really think this is an appropriate movie for her to watch?"  His reply was, "She doesn't know what a medieval whore house is but she still thinks it's funny."  My mom shrugged her shoulders and left us alone.

When we were kids, my old man would pack up a bunch of kids from our block in the station wagon (in our pajamas) and take us to either Carvel or Friendly's for ice cream.  Once, the boy down the hall and my dad hatched a plan.  Michael pretended that he had fainted and my father carried him in and laid him on the couch.  Then we revived him with ice cream.  I thought it was hilarious.

My old man can walk into an empty kitchen and come out with a delicious meal.  He's the person who taught me how to read cookbooks like novels and the true joy of an onion.  He has an adventurous palate and can talk about almost any meal he's ever had. 

My old man knows everyone.  I can't tell you how many times in how many random situations someone has said to me "You must be John Tumelty's daughter."

My old man likes all kinds of music and he likes it loud.  And I mean loud.  He used to play opera on Sunday afternoons and people would set up lawn chairs across the street from our apartment to listen.

My old man is not interested in getting presents but when you find the perfect gift for him, he cherishes it like a child.

My old man rarely swears.  But when he does, you know he means it.  He has a way of calling someone a "silly bitch" that sounds like the worst possible thing you could ever say about anyone.  Clearly, my filthy mouth is from my mitochondrial  DNA.

My old man can quiet a crying baby.  He loves babies and will hold and snuggle them for hours.

I have never seen my old man wear a t-shirt.  Or sneakers.

My old man checks all the sale fliers every week and then calls me to tell me where Diet Coke has the best price.

The first time my old man met Brian he said "Hello Kevin, it's nice to meet you."  The two of them will sit and talk for hours and it makes my heart warm.  When Brian went back to work this week, my old man called him at lunch time on his first day to see how it was going.

My old man has a nomad's spirit.  He loves to just get in the car and go.  Which made for some adventurous vacations in my life.  Except the time that we went to Suwanee Florida.  He told us he had seen it in National Geographic but he failed to mention that the article was about the huge bugs that walk around the town.

My old man will come get me anywhere anytime.  He drove me to concerts, he picked me up at school and he didn't complain the third time my alternator crapped out and he had to come drive me home.

When I was in college, my old man used to randomly drive out on Mondays (his day off) and take me to the Lobster Inn for dinner.

My old man is still desperately in love with my mother.  He dances with her at weddings and parties and still can't keep his hands to himself.  (There's a family story about the time my mother said he had "roaming hands" and I thought she said "Roman Ants" but that's for another time.)

I can still borrow $20 from my old man.  He acts like he is doing it begrudgingly but I know he likes it.

I like to think that I am like my my old man but really, if I was half the person he is, I would be satisfied.

 

Catch Up

I'm not going to whine about being ridiculously busy lately.  I swear!  I'm not.  I'll save that for another post. 

This morning I am determined to get caught up on a few things and one of those is cleaning out the camera.  Of course, there are a load of photos that were meant to go on blog posts that I haven't gotten to yet so let's just do a little photo album today, shall we?

This is why it's always a good idea to bring your knitting with you.  Yeah dammit, the alternator crapped out on me three times.  Three times!!!!!  It's been working for a few months now but I'm still cautious.

This is the kind of winter we had.  Forsythia blooming in the dead of winter.  Amazingly, they recovered and were positively gorgeous this spring. It was pretty amazing flower-wise on our block this spring and all the flowers lasted for a long time which was pretty cool.  The past few years they've had a pretty small window.  The roses in the neighborhood are blooming now and it looks like they plan to keep the trend going.

I have very spicy neighbors.  They brought this back for us from their travels.  Rockin!

It's fun to play with dry ice.  'Nuff said.

The first robin of spring.  Also, 'nuff said.

I'm in charge of lining up the St. Patrick's Day parade here in the Y.O.  so naturally, I wear the obligatory green carnation (with baby's breath, thankyouverymuch).  For some reason, it ends up in my purse every year and a few weeks later I find this.  I usually find it because I'm bleeding from getting stuck by the pin that I forgot was there.

Gift yarn!  Gorgeous!

Gift yarn!  Also, gorgeous!

I finally went and got an eye exam and some new contacts.  This totally cracked me up.  You see, I wear the same lens in both eyes.  So I only need to buy one box of lenses at a time.  Which is awesome.  They had to order them for me so the eye doctor gave me a set of lenses to use until mine arrived.  Please note that not only are they the same lens, they are still attached to each other.  And he still wrote R and L on the labels as if it made a difference.

I love it when I get flowers.  Just love it.  I positively swoon.  These came at the end of a really, really lousy day.  When my sweetie picked me up at work I was met with these along with a tupperware full of chardonnay.  He knows me so well.

I Miss You Robin

My sister believes that the world can be broken--very simply--into two groups of people.  Those who like The BeeGees and those who like The Carpenters.  You know what?  That's the kind of religion I can get behind.  No one ever strapped a bomb to their chest and blew up a school bus because someone else didn't know all the words to Superstar.  

Oh and by the way, whether you're a BeeGee or a Carpenter fan, I will call you a liar if you say you don't know all the words to Superstar.

God speed Robin Gibb.  You seemed like a nice guy.